Mystery Family Drama Theater 3000
by Ted Wakeman
Summary: Among TDI and FG fics, there are the bunch that just suck the big one, and the only ones to riff them can perfectly show you the fics that DO suck, and they'll gladly riff them!  A Pilot fic, so reviews help push for a ongoing series!
1. Pilot

**This is basically a short I call Mystery Family Drama Theater 3000...This is Pilot episode of my new series, but it all depends on you for me to make it a true series!**

**This story I'm reviewing is a story I just HATED...I'd put it in my favorites just to show you how awful it was...Unfortunetly, I don't fav terrible fics, so look up this fic yourself..Wouldn't be too hard though, considering it's the ONLY Family Guy/TDI crossover...I just wish it wasn't, because a FG/TDI crossover can be A HELL OF ALOT BETTER than what this doofus came up with...**

**So people, I proudly present...MYSTERY FAMILY DRAMA THEATER 3000!**

...

Brian: Uh, hi everyone! Today, we're going to observe the only crossover between Family Guy and TDI. Here with me is Stewie.

Stewie: Hello rabid Family Guy fans...And haters...

Brian: Along with our TDI represenatives, Lindsay and Courtney!

Lindsay: Hi!

Courtney: Let's just get this over with...

Brian: Oh come on, this fanfiction stuff can't be too bad...Let's just give it a chance. So, here's our fanfiction for the day, 'Total drama meets family guy'...Wow, not even the decency to capitalize our show's name. What a start...Let's begin!

_Total Drama meets family guy_

_Written by Jesse Bodager_****

Stewie: I say, what an incredible title! It almost seems like a 2-year old came up with it...Oh...Still, a 2-year old could've come up with a title like that!

Intro: TDI version of family guy theme****

Stewie: Oh dear god, they're not actually going to do what I think they'll do!

Courtney: It seems today, that all ya see, is violence in movies and sex on TV.****

Stewie: OH DEAR GOD, THEY ARE!

Courtney: Did this author really not have enough originality to come up with his own theme? How about you try suing this guy after the story Brian?

Brian: Eh, I think suing for using original material as a use of ENTERTAINMENT IS POINTLESS AND WRONG...Which is the reason why I hate Youtube.

Stewie: Guh, don't get me started on that! I tried submitting my sex tape a whi...Oh...I don't think I should've said that...

Duncan: But where are those good ol' fashioned values

(Gwen, Geoff, Harold and Trent show up)

All: On which we used to rely  
**  
**(Suit gig, note that Courtney's suit is black, rather than gold, and Duncan is in a dark green Nazi uniform)****

Brian: Wow, a Nazi joke...Tasty.

Courtney: Since when was Duncan a Nazi?

Stewie: Who the hell cares? This whole sequence is completely pointless!

All: Lucky there's a family guy

All: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do

All: All the things that make us

Harold: Laugh and Cry****

Stewie: HAROLD?...Takes MY SPOT IN THE SONG?...How dare that author slander my performance!

All: He's

All: a

All:Fam-

All: -ily

All: Guy!

**Brian: This**

**Stewie: Ref-**

**Courtney: -erence**

**All: SUCKS!**

(End)****

Brian: I hate to tell you people this, but this chapter is probably THE BEST of the four...Get ready for a fun ride...

Lindsay: I want nuts!

Stewie: What kind, small or large, tanned or...Oh, you mean peanuts...

Brian: God, we need waiter service here...I need a dry martinee to prepare for the suck...

...

Rate and comment on this thing, and hopefully I can make this a riff series!


	2. 2

**Brian: Welcome back to the show, now complete with waiter service and less Stewie!**

**Stewie: Hey!**

**Brian: Once again, we're here with Lindsay and Courtney, represenatives for the Total Drama part of our show, so let's continue with the fic, 'Total Drama meets family guy'!**

**Total Drama meets family guy**

**Written by Jesse Bodager**

Intro: It's morning, the morning after Geoff's awesome party, that is!

(Duncan wakes up, on the floor!)

**Brian: 'Damn, that was some hangover!...Why the hell is there a baby in the living room?...Bridgette?'**

Duncan: (yawns) Oh my god, my back is killing me, I should of known is was gonna fall asleep on the floor, oh wait, I was drunk.

**Stewie: Figured that one out pretty well, huh Captain Obvious?**

(Finds Courtney asleep nearby)

Duncan: (whispers while softly nudging Courtney) Hey, Courtney, wake up

(Courtney wakes up)

Courtney: Wha, what

Courtney: (softly) Oh, it's just you (smiles)

Duncan: That was some kick-butt party Geoff threw last night, wasn't it

**Courtney: Forgetting something?...Like the QUESTION MARK?**

Courtney: Yeah, I think i'm still drunk

**Brian: Will this writer stop stating the damn obvious?**

Duncan: It's ironic that you and I are the only ones here

**ALL: HOW IS IT IRONIC?**

(15 seconds later, Duncan and Courtney start to make out)

**Stewie: What Duncan didn't know was that her lips were coated with a disease only HE could catch!...I'm sorry, but was that supposed to be funny? Who writes this show?**

**Ted: I do.**

**Stewie: Oh...Figures.**

(meanwhile, everyone else is at the beach, except Noah)

Trent: Man Geoff, you can throw some awesome parties!

Geoff: Thacks, Dude!

Izzy: Hey, I wonder what Duncan and Courtney are doing.

**Lindsay: By now they probably already reached second base!**

**Brian: That doesn't sound too far off...**

Cody: I'll check

Gwen: (in a sarcastic manner) Good Luck

(Cody goes to the bass cabin to check on Duncan and Courtney, only to find them making out)

Duncan: Hey, F*** OFF!

**Brian: Huh, the writer finally grew balls and wrote in a swear...First time for everything.**

**Lindsay: *Hums 'Feels Like the First Time' by Foreigner.***

**Stewie: Great song...**

**Lindsay: You like the Beatles too?**

**Brian:...Wow...**

Courtney: He's right, CAN'T WE HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY!

Cody: Sor-ry (closes door and returns to beach)

Duncan: freakin' crotch (Starts making out with Courtney again)

Trent: So, what are they doing?

Cody: Making out

Gwen: Obvious

Geoff: Gwen's right, those two are so in love that I bet they couldn't be without eachother

**Brian: Strange claim, considering Courtney denied liking Duncan for the longest time.**

**Courtney: Shut up! Quite frankly we're a couple now anyways.**

Izzy: Actually Duncan can go fine with out Courtney, she's more attached to him

**Courtney: WHAT?**

Brian: Thank you for stating the big damn truth...

(Everyone stares)

Trent: Have you been spying on them again?

Izzy: Ummm... No

Cody: LIAH!

**Stewie: CHATSPEAK! CHATSPEAK IN A FIC! Then again, this whole script format screwed the rules over a chapter ago...**

Trent: Don't you mean liar?

Cody: Yeah, but I like saying it like that.

**Courtney: You mean that's how the writer likes to say it...And I bet everyone calls him an idiot for it.**

Cody LIAH!

Izzy:OK, so you caught me.

(Noah runs to the beach)

Cody: what's up Noah?

**Stewie: The sky, moron.**

Noah: Take a look at my new invention

**Brian: 'I made it using SCIENCE!'**

**Stewie: Aw dude, that catchphrase is already taken...**

**Brian: Really? I doubt that. Let's take a minute to ask Thomas Dolby, music legend and creator of "Blinded me with Science".**

**Thomas Dolby: Yeah, it's taken.**

**Stewie: See Brian, you stole...I hate you so much now...**

**Courtney: Why is Noah suddenly a genius inventor? I though he was a narcastic know-it all.**

Gwen: what is it, a fully loaded entertainment system in a can?

Trent: A tool that can do any any other tool can do?

**Brian: I'm sorry, I can't read terrible grammar. Try again after you pass the freakin' 3rd grade...**

Owen: AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF DONUTS!

(evryone looks at Owen)

Owen: what?

Noah, No, No, and No, I call it, the TV watch.

**Stewie: iPods do the same justice. Your invention is hereby obsolete. You are the weakest inventor, good day and Godspeed...**

Cody: What is it, a watch you can watch TV on?

Noah: Kinda, it allows the wearer to transport him or herself into any TV show they want, even if It's live!

**Brian: Sounds like a crappy 1980's flick.**

Lindsey: (gasps) Saturday night live!

**Lindsay: Oh, I said that?...Wait, when did I say that?**

**Brian: Don't tell her folks, it'll blow her mind...**

**Lindsay: What?**

Gwen: 1000 ways to die!

Tyler: Man vs. Wild!

Trent: The Grammy Awards!

Owen: Diners, Drive-ins and Dives!

Katie and Sadie: One life to live!

**Stewie: A show that DOESN'T SUCK RIGHT NOW...Or is actually a show...**

Izzy: Survivor!

Geoff: Drawn Together!

**Brian: A show about a pregnant teenager that ISN'T a complete bitch?**

Bridgette: American Idol!

Noah: All yes

Lindsey: OO, can I try it?

**Brian: I wonder what those 'O' illustrates...**

**Stewie: Those huge things on her chest?**

**Courtney: Please just stop with the sexual innuendo!**

Noah: No don't!

(Lindsey fiddles with the watch, the watch malfunctions, and is set to send all 22 campers to Family Guy, everyone is knocked out

**Stewie: TIME WATCH WINS, HANGOVER FATALITY!**

**Brian: That Mortal Kombat reference was so forced...**

**Stewie: Hey, SHUT UP!**

(The next morning, in family guy)

(Duncan wakes up)

Duncan: WHAT THE F***!

**Brian: 'I DROPPED MY DAMN WALLET!'**

To be continued

**Stewie: Dear god, how much more?**

**Brian: Another 2 chapters.**

**Lindsay: Will my peanuts last until then?**

**Stewie: As long as the sexual innuendo stops, I think mine will last...**

**Brian: Stewie, you just made another innuendo.**

**Stewie: What? I ordered a bowl of peanuts too!**

**Courtney: This show is so cheesy...**

**Brian: Tell me about it...Waiter, get me a cigar.**

**Waiter: Anything else, dog?**

**Brian: A martinee...Shaken, not stirred.**

**...**

**A/N: Seeing as I have no other fics interested in doing, I said "WHAT THE HELL?", and I'm back to working on this!**

**RATE AND REVIEW**


	3. Nightmares is what this Chapter Induces

**Brian: Hey everyone! I'm back with more of this horrible fic, along with Stewie, with special guests Courtney and Lindsay from TDI to help.**

**Stewie: Guh, do we have to finish this piece of shit?**

**Brian: Yeah. We're binded by our contract to do it.**

intro: Everyone is stuck in family guy, what now! (NOTE: Chris McClean does not appear in this fanfic until the last chapter, the chris here is Chris Griffin)

**Stewie: Wouldn't that KINDA be obvious?...I mean, I don't think we would hear that McLean guy talk about his boogers...**

(Duncan screaming WTF (at the end of the previous chapter) woke everyone up)

**Brian: Yeah, thanks for info.**

Trent: Duncan, do you have to swear every... where the hell are we!

**Stewie: My god, this freakin' kid can't write for crap! Hell, you could write better, Brian!**

**Brian: Shut up.**

**Stewie: I mean, that girl who wrote 'My Immortal' could write better!**

Lindsey: I don't know, don't look at me.

**Lindsay: There I am again!**

**Brian: Did we really need her on this show?**

**Courtney: Eh, writer favoritism.**

Owen: I have no idea.

Courtney: wait, I think I know this place, I see it an TV all the time.

**Courtney: This guy thinks I watch Family Guy?**

**Brian: Apparently.**

Duncan: (to everyone) don't you all get it, we got stuck in Family Guy!

**Stewie: Why do the TDI characters know what Family Guy is?**

(Echo: Family Guy!)

(Faint Echo: Family Guy!)

**Brian: Wow...Talk about pointless.**

Geoff: OK, that was weird.

**Stewie: Next thing you know, he's going to think talking is weird. ECHOES ARE NATURAL, JACKASS!**

Bridgette: I can't believe we're stuck here.

Duncan: C'mon guys, mabye we can find someone who can help, like the griffins

(Everyone walks over to the nearby griffin home)

Courtney: (to duncan) Hey, you got your AK-47

**Courtney: WOW! Why would I ask that?**

**Brian: This writer is just stupid, Courtney. Not your fault he can't get any of these characters right...Or the story right.**

Duncan: Always do,along with my M9, why

**Stewie: Yeah, because teens carrying guns is normal.**

Courtney: Just wondering

**Brian: Never knew you were a juvenial delinquent, Courtney.**

**Courtney: Just shut up.**

Courtney: I got my P99 and Skorpion gun

**Courtney: I got my WHAT?**

**Brian: I guess this kid believes in the John McCain plan...No Gun Control...GUNS FOR EVERYONE**

**Courtney: I DON'T OWN A SINGLE DAMN GUN!**

**Stewie: This is a strange story...**

Duncan: Good, you may need them.

Duncan: And just in case, we can get RPGs at a shop near here

**Brian: There's shops that sell RPGs? Man, I'm amazed the world hasn't imploded yet...**

(Meanwhile, inside the griffin home)

Peter: Man, I love this show

**Brian and Stewie: YES! IT'S FINALLY OUR APPEARANCES!**

Lois: I'll say

Stewie: Hilarious

Chris: I love Jackass!

**Stewie: Wow, this guy sure gets our family! Only problem is, the fat man isn't stinkin' drunk...**

**Brian: The fact I'm not in the scene watching 'Jackass' just solidifies that this guy likes Family Guy, not TDI.**

(Knocking on the door)

Chris: I'll get it.

(answers door, and sees the TDI characters)

Trent: Excuse me, but could we get some help?

Chris: OH MY GOD!

Lois: Wait, Chris are those guys from that show you watch all the time?

Chris: Yeah.

Duncan: He knows us?

**Stewie: FINALLY! Someone states the fact that they shouldn't know each other!**

Lois: He knows all of you, he even checked the website.

Duncan: Guys we need to split up, you guys go find some place to stay, while Courtney and I will stay here.

**Brian: What?...Did we just miss a scene? What the hell?**

**Lindsay: Why did I only get two or three lines?**

**Stewie: I think it's because you're a minor character...**

**Brian: Yeah, until Quagmire sees her...**

Geoff:and a little warning to the chicks, especially the hot ones, stay clear of Quagmire's.

**Brian: This is awful...Just awful.**

Bridgette: and he is?

**Stewie: CAPITALIZATION, YOU ASS!**

Peter: (walks up to the door) Two houses from here, on the left.

**Brian:...Wait, Quagmire is only one house from us, as in, right next to us.**

**Stewie: This jackass doesn't even watch the shows...Hm, go figure.**

Gwen: Hey, thanks.

(Duncan and Courtney go inside the house,everyone else leaves, door is closed)

Peter: Hey you know, there's an extra room upstairs

**All: OOOHHH!**

Duncan: Thanks (He and Courtney go upstairs)

Lois: I didn't know we had an extra room

Peter: (To Lois) No one ever used it so I turned it into a guest room with that 20 Grand I won a year ago then stuffed into one of my shirts.

**Stewie:...This happened WHEN? Why the hell didn't I get a cut of that?**

Lois: Nice, we have a guest room now.

(Meanwhile, upstairs in that extra room)

Duncan: Nice

Courtney: I'll say, good looking curtains, a roomy closet, (Lies on bed) and a soft bed.

Duncan: Hey, a Flat screen TV.

Duncan: Let's see what's on

(Grabs remote and turns on TV)

Courtney: Hey, It's Robot Chicken.

**Brian: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE? MORE SHAMELESS ADVERTISING?**

**Stewie: I have a feeling this guy is Seth Green...Don't know why, though...**

Duncan: (Turns to TV) You're right, let's watch it

(Later, that night, at the drunken clam).

Peter: I bet you two got a lot on your minds for your time here

**Brian: Wow, first teens carrying guns, and now teens being allowed into the Drunken Clam. Next thing you know, kids will be creating nuclear bombs.**

Duncan: No, not really

Courtney: Yeah, we haven't gotten to even enjoy eachother for the last few weeks.

**Brian: What the hell? Didn't you JUST SAY that it was 'later that night'?**

**Courtney: I'm starting to hate this guy...**

Cleveland: Here comes the bartender

**Brian: Don't you mean Horace? Watch Family Guy for once, dick.**

(Bartender walks to their table)

Bartender: What can I get you fellas

Peter: I'll take a bud light

Quagmire: I think I'll have a Sam adams, boston lager

Joe: Miller lite

Cleveland: Coors

Bartender: How 'bout you ma'am

Courtney: I think I'll have an Ale

**Courtney: I don't drink, you twit.**

Bartender: And, you

Duncan: I'll take some Vodka.

**Brian: Okay, I'm giving up on moral values for this story. From now on, I suppose everything is normal...**

Bartender: Thank you. (leaves)

Joe: Did you just order Vodka?

Duncan: Yeah, why

Quagmire: Oh my god! That's the most expensive thing this place got!

**Stewie: That's the ONLY thing you're worrying about?**

Duncan: What is it, Rodnik?

Peter: Dovgan

Duncan: Oh, that pretty good too.

Courtney: Man, I gotta go.

(Runs to the bathroom)

Cleveland: Hey, what day is it today?

Joe: Tuesday

Peter: Uh Oh

(Some crazy guy barges in the bar with a wrench, and tries to destroy the bar)

Duncan: I'll take care of this

(Grabs his M9 from his pocket)

(Fires)

Crazy Guy: Oh my god!

(Duncan gets up, goes to where the crazy guy is, throws him out and returns to the table)

(Courtney returns)

Courtney: So, what did I miss?

**Brian: The absolutely worst action sequence ever written...That's what you missed.**

**Stewie: Man, you must piss real loud, Courtney.**

**Courtney: SHUT UP!**

(meanwhile, at the new Embassy Suites hotel, room 207)

Bridgette: we've spent hours looking for a place to stay, and we finally found one.

**Brian: So now it's been hours, again? I guess weeks and hours are the same now.**

**Lindsay: Tyler? WHERE?**

Geoff: Yeah, finally.

Bridgette: Hey, do you mind checking on Lindsey and Tyler?

Geoff: Sure (exits room, and goes next door, room 206)

Lindsey: Um, you might not won't to be in here right now. (Runs to bed)

**Stewie: HA! Sex joke!**

Geoff: Well, good night. (Exits room)

**Brian: I think I lost five brain cells...**

**Courtney: Ditto**

**Stewie: Look on the bright side, we only have one chapter left.**

**Lindsay: Can I have more nuts?**

**Stewie: With how the chapter ended, it looks like you'll have alot more nuts...**

**Courtney: What'd we say about the innuendo?**

**Brian: Screw it, let's just hope next chapter isn't as nightmarish as this one...**

**...**

A/N:

**READ, ENJOY, REVIEW**


	4. 4

**Stewie: ...And that's why I think a black vampire should be named 'Count Choclua'...Oh, hi!**

**Brian: Welcome back! It's time for us to end our riff of this god-awful fic...**

Intro: It's morning, but who the hell cares.

**Stewie: The readers do, because you don't have a grip on reality of how time passes. WEEKS AND HOURS AREN'T THE SAME THING!**

**Brian: Just get over it, Stewie. That was last chapter...**

**Stewie: Yeah yeah...**

(At the Griffin's house, in the living room)

Peter: Hey, as anyone seen Duncan and Courtney anywhere, just wondering.

Lois: I haven't

Chris: Nope

Meg: Nuh-uh

Brain: I have

**Brian: Wow, they finally worked a line in there for me.**

Peter: Where'd they go, brian?

Brian: I saw them leave last night.

Brian: They appeared to have guns.

Lois: Oh my god, guns!

**Stewie: FINALLY, someone acts surprised that teens were carrying guns!**

Chris: What kind of guns?

Brian: I saw Duncan with an AK-47, and Courtney with a Skorpion SMG.

Meg: Where in hell did they get those!

**Brian: That's what the reader should be wondering by now...**

Brian: That's what I'm wondering.

**Lindsay: You predicted your lines Brendan! Are you pyshic?**

**Stewie: She acts alot like Jillian, eh Brian?**

**Brian: Shut up.**

Peter: Man, this is weirder than the time the Mothman was guest starring on Jimmy kemmel live.

(Flashback)

Jimmy: So, Mothman is it?

Mothman: Yep.

Jimmy: Hey ya know, your different than what I Imagined.

Mothman: How?

Jimmy: Well, you look exactly like that statue of you in Point Pleasent, WV only, well, moth colored.

**Stewie: I could only imagine how many fan letters we'd get about how much this flashback sucking. Glad this guy doesn't write our material.**

Jimmy: I thought you were that black headless thing that everyone says.

**Stewie: HA HA!**

Mothman: Nah, that was just some hoax that a guy pulled to scare people.

Jimmy: So, what do you eat?

Mothman: Uh you know, Bugs, beef, dog, and the occasional bird.

Jimmy: Man, no wonder you get you name, you look like a creepy version of the comic supervillian Killer Moth!

**Courtney: Never heard of him.**

**Brian: And that's why this cutaway attempt sucks.**

Jimmy: Ever heard of Spring Heeled jack

Mothman: Met 'em, beat the shit out of 'em.

**Stewie: Eh, kinda gay.**

Jimmy: I see

(Flashback ends)

Brian: OK, _that_ would be weirder.

**Brian: I second that.**

(Later about noon, at the mall, makeup depot)

Lindsey: (To self) Hmm, mabye I should try this shade(looks at lipstick).

**Lindsay: There's my name again!**

**Courtney: Okay, Lindsiot here is starting to get annoying...**

Lindsey: Yeah, I'll take it (buys makeup).

Lindsey:(exits makeup department) OK, now I just needs some (gasps, after seeing really good looking high heels)

Lindsey: high heels! (runs into shoe store)

(Meanwhile at the food court)

Bridgette: Hey, I didn't now they had a buffet here.

Geoff: Neither did I.

Bridgette: Well, at least it's nice to get away from everyone else.

Geoff: Gonna need to agree with ya there

**Stewie: Don't you love pointless filler?**

**Courtney: Isn't your show full of that?**

**Stewie: Hey, WHO ASKED?**

(Meanwhile, at SEARS)

Duncan: OK, this is gonna be so funny

Duncan: Tyler's meeting Lindsey here later, so I blindfolded Tyler, Brian, and Jillian and took them them all here, I blindfolded lindsey just earlier.

**Brian:...Why?**

Courtney: Sounds like your gonna switch lindsey and Jillian's boyfriends while their blindfolded.

**Courtney:...Why?**

Duncan: How'd you know?

Courtney: Just figured (grabs Marbolo cigarette from pocket, puts it in her mouth, and lights it)

**All: WHY?**

Duncan: Here they come.

(Lindsey, Tyler, Brian and Jillian walk in all blindfolded, Duncan switches the guys)

**Stewie: Shitty scene in 3...2...1...**

Lindsey: (Blindfolded) Oh, come 're tyler (Tries to make out with brian who she thinks is tyler)

**Brian: ENGLISH PLEASE...**

Brian: What, I'm not Tyler! (Ends up making out with lindsey)

**Stewie: HA! You made out with the dumb girl!**

**Brian: I already made out with a dumb girl before.**

**Stewie: Blast!**

**Courtney: Why would I pull a stupid prank like that? It's not funny at all.**

Duncan:(shouts) OK, you can take off the blindfolds.

(The four Duncan blindfolded earlier take off the blindfolds)

Lindsey: Huh?

Jillian: What the?

Brian: Hey, what are you doing with my girlfriend!

Tyler: What are _you _doing with _my _girlfriend!

**Stewie: I'll admit, this is actually kinda funny...**

**Brian: What comedy do you think is funny?**

**Stewie: Colbert.**

**Brian: Oh god!**

(Brian and tyler start fighting)

Courtney: Man, this is funnier than Geoff's party, you know when you and I got so drunk.

**Brian: You mean that party we don't care about anymore?**

Duncan: Yeah, that was funny.

(Flashback)

**All: OH COME ON!**

Duncan:OK, who dares me, who dares me!

Owen: I dare you!

Eva: I dare you!

Trent: I so dare you!

Geoff: I totally dare you!

DJ: I ultra dare you!

**Stewie: I DARE YOU TO STOP THIS DAMN TRAIN OF DARING!**

Duuncan: OK, here I go (Opens a bottle of Everclear 190 proof, and starts drinking)

Everyone else: (Except Courtney, too many margaritas) CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

(Duncan finishes the whole bottle and throws it at the wall)

(Bottle breaks)

Duncan: (Drunk) Oh shit, I think I, (Frogot what he was gonna say, then falls)

(Flashback Ends)

Duncan: Yep, good times

(security guard comes up to Courtney)

Security Guard: Um miss, there's no smoking allowed in this mall.

Courtney: C'mon hon', I think we need to go outside (She and duncan go to the nearest exit, than outside)

(Outside)

Courtney: Man, what is so wrong with smoking in the mall, everyone smokes in the mall!

**Stewie: Except normal people...**

**Courtney: I don't smoke!**

(Meg comes out of the exit Courtney and duncan came out of)

Meg: Not exactly

**Brian and Stewie:...Shut up Meg...**

Courtney: Why, why can't I smoke anywhere!

Meg: Because, Mayor West passed a new law last week, and it comes into effect today.

**Brian: That's the reason? THAT'S YOUR REASON, WRITER? No moral values to state?**

Courtney: What law?

Meg: The public smoking ban.

**Brian: Sounds like the writer is a Republican...**

Meg: You can't smoke cigarettes in public areas unless your in a designated smoking zone.

Duncan: So, I'm fine?

Meg: Probably, why?

Duncan: 'Cause technically this is a cigar, not a cigarette

**Courtney: Well excusssssse me!**

Meg: No, It bans cigars too.

Duncan: DAMN IT! (throws cigar at a tree)

Meg: Duncan, you could of set that tree on fire!

**Courtney: Hi Bridgette, didn't know you were disguised as Meg...**

Duncan: Who the fuck are you, bridgette!

Duncan: And besides, nobody cares if I throw a cigar at a tree!

Meg: Well the people who see the tree on fire do care!

**Stewie: What?...I'm sorry...What sense does that sentence make?**

Duncan: (pauses) Sie Hundin

**Brian:...Did...Did he just call Meg a bitch in German?**

Meg: (confused) What does that even mean?

Courtney: (chuckles) he call you a bitch in german.

**All:...AWESOME!**

**Stewie: The writer finally came through! BRAVO!**

**Courtney:...But, how would I know that it means bitch? I don't know German...**

**Brian: Yeah, don't question the awesome joke...**

(Peter walks out of exit)

Meg: Dad!

Peter: What, what is it.

**Stewie: Since when did the fat man give a damn about Meg?**

Meg: (Runs to Peter) Duncan just insulted me in german!

Peter: What did he say?

**Stewie: Stop caring, fat man.**

Meg: He said , I think "Sie Hundin" which in english is "You bitch"!

Peter: You son of a (runs to Duncan and punches him)

**Brian: Public violence...Against teenagers...Yay...**

(Duncan kicks peter in the nuts (hard too) and gets out his knife)

**Stewie: Holy crap! Duncan has a knife, too?**

**Courtney: Kid, remember when we said to throw moral values out the window before we started today?**

**Stewie: Yeah.**

**Courtney: Yeah, follow that suggestion.**

Peter: Oh my god, oh my god!

(Duncan slashes him)

Peter: OK,I give!

Peter: I give.

Duncan: Man, we are so outta here.

**Brian: Good idea, delinquent.**

(Duncan and Courtney leave)

(10 minutes later)

Courtney: Man, this is worse than the time I was a greeter at wal mart.

**Courtney: When exactly was that?**

**Stewie: Oh crap, they're not stealing our joke, are they?**

(flashback)

(customer passes)

Courtney: Welcome to wal mart, go fuck yourself.

**Stewie: YOU ASSHOLE! YOU UNORIGINAL ASSHOLE!**

(Customer passes)

Courtney: Welcome to wal mart, go fuck yourself.

(Customers pass)

Courtney: Welcome to wal mart, go fuck yourselves.

(Customer comes up to her)

Customer: Hi!

Courtney: Go fuck yourself.

(Customer flips off Courtney, then leaves)

Courtney: (Holding her middle finger up) Yeah, flip you too!

Courtney: Aw, what the hell, this is bullshit, I quit (throws off wal mart vest, then leaves)

**Courtney: Oh please! I'm not cruel! Who got the idea I was a complete bitch?**

(flashback ends)

(Meanwhile, at the former Quhog mens club)

**Brian: Peter still has that thing up?**

Noah: I gotta get this thing fixed.

Owen: What fixed?

Noah: My watch, I need to fix this god damn watch!

(noah examines the watch)

Noah: Oh, there's the problem.

**Brian: Too bad we'll never know what that problem was, because we're done with this stupid story.**

**Stewie: Thank god!**

**Courtney: Anyone up for sodas?**

**Stewie: Eh, sure. I could go for that.**

**Brian: Wait, what about our contracts to do this show?**

**Courtney: It didn't say we can't take breaks.**

**Brian...True.**

**Lindsay: Can I come too?**

**Brian: I guess. I mean, your contract only calls for you to riff one story with us...**

**Stewie: Aww, that's too bad. I though you could get another relationship started with her.**

**Brian: I don't always date bimbos...**

**Stewie: Sure you don't Brian...Sure you don't...**


	5. Special Guest, New Fic

***INSIDE THE OLD, ABANDONED THEATER***

**Brian: So, what's next on our list to riff?**

**Courtney: Something involving me...**

**Brian: God, where the hell is Stewie? He should be here by now...**

***Double doors burst open, letting in a huge beam of light.***

**Stewie: Hey guys! Guess who I found at the soda shop?**

**Duncan: I still don't understand why you took me here...**

**Courtney: Duncan? Why the heck are you here?**

**Duncan: What are you talking about? This little kid brought me down here!**

**Stewie: Oh wow! Relationship reunion! JERRY!**

**Brian: Well, at least we'll have another guy to help out with riffing these fics...**

**Duncan: Another guy to what these whats?**

**Brian:...Just go along with us.**

_Found your letter on a full moon Sunday night. On a knee in ink you offered a ring, a real life._

**Stewie: Ahhhh...What?**

**Brian: It's writer talk, Stewie. Spiritual stuff. You wouldn't understand.**

**Courtney: Fifty bucks this has to do with me and Duncan...**

_~Vanessa Carlton, "Fair-weather Friends"_

**Before Everything Happened**

Or if You Prefer,

**Prologue**

A love story always starts basically with two people.

**Stewie:...Unless it's a threesome...**

Sometimes their encounter is just a simple coincidence like him bumping into her on the street nearby the cheapest coffee shop of the neighbourhood, her holding a double expresso with a lot of whipped cream on top and her brand new blue cardigan, him in a big hurry for his boss's four a.m. latté causing him to rush toward that previously introduced café, the two colliding into each other and staining her expensive piece of clothing and him offering her to pay for the damage...

**Brian: I'm already bored out of my mind...**

**Stewie: Same.**

**Duncan: Looks like you're about to lose that bet, Princess.**

Or some other times, it's just the two introduced to each other by a close couple of friends. Yeah, originally love stories aren't always the classic of Romeo and Juliet but who really cares? Love is still love, no matter your gender, species, interest or sexuality and everyone truly dreams someday one white knight will climb on the brick wall of your bedroom, throw pebbles at your window and escape far away with you on his white horse, living happily ever after.

**Brian: Ya know...This isn't too bad.**

**Courtney: Yeah...But I just bet it gets worse.**

Courtney Harrington honestly never believed into those old ladies' fairy tales at least, not anymore. For her, love never had been and never would be, she was convinced of this. There was one boy she thought had felt this with, and he betrayed her. He killed half of her soul, telling her that was the right thing to do for both of them.

**Brian & Stewie: HA! COURTNEY GOT DUMPED! COURTNEY GOT DUMPED!**

**Courtney: Shut up!**

She didn't want to listen to those empty apologies, she didn't want to believe them because she believed he didn't mean them.

**Stewie: Wow Courtney, that's...Pretty damn selfish of you.**

Since that day, that damned day she remembered she was sixteen, Courtney had kept telling herself the nearest thing to love is just happening when two people are attracted to each other, feeling lust, caring for each other, but nothing more.

**Stewie: That's every relationship for Brian.**

**Brian: Cut it out, Stewie.**

**Stewie: What? I'm just stating a fact.**

What she didn't know is that she actually was living that thing she pretended not to believe in.

Her heart throbbing, her hands shaking and her eyes full of expectations, Courtney just couldn't fully realize what was happening. Turtle eyes fearless and glowing, firmly opening a small box containing what she already knew was in, most of the customers of the café had stopped doing their activities just to be part of the scene, some of them on the verge of tears, instantly rejoicing for both of them.

**Brian: I'm afraid to ask...But what the hell is going on that has everyone watching?**

**Stewie: Maybe it's a bomb?**

**Courtney: Why would someone send me a bomb?**

**Stewie: You know, you realize your fanbase is full of more haters than fans...**

On a knee, he pulled up the velvet lid, flashing a beautiful diamond ring resting on a blue satin bed, her eyes started to water up as he recited the speech he had rehearsed for weeks now.

**Stewie: Okay, what sense is all this making?**

**Brian: Where's the transition between the cafe and this blue satin bed?**

"Courtney Elisabeth Bethany Harrington, will you marry me?"

**All: AWWWWWW**

Her heart was beating faster and faster as the other indivuals were impatiently waiting for her answer.

**Brian: Wait...Didn't they just imply they were in a bedroom of some sort?**

**Stewie: I think so...Unless...ORGY!**

**Courtney: Shut up people! I think that bed comment had to do with the inside of box.**

A smile was curled on her lipstick-ed lips, wondering how a little visit at a café turned into this, as tears kept running down her cheeks and probably ruining her light make-up. She giggled nervously, trying to wipe the big amount of water escaped from her eyes and concluded one of the most beautiful moments of her life.

"Yes I will!"

The musician and her future husband triumphantly got up, still a little shaky from that moment, and caught her fiancée into a warm and loving embrace, cheered by the touched crowd surrounding them, some of them sobbing and clapping their hands.

**Stewie: Since when does your Dad watch you propose? What a loser you're marrying, Courtney.**

Both couldn't realize what was happening but that was. It was now official; in a few weeks, Courtney Harrington was going to marry Trent Adams.

**Courtney: WHAT?**

**Duncan: WHAT?**

**Stewie: IN THE BUTT! Ha ha! Nah, I'm just jokin'.**

-/-/-/-/-/-

It was a Friday morning when he woke up, waiting for the day he never really planned. He was barely 21, his heart and body still basically young but wasn't really waiting for any letter, any slight expectations, anything of life. His punkish Mohawk messy because of the sleepy night he just passed, he stretched his arms and glanced to the right, catching the sight of the thing he would consider as the most beautiful in the world so far. Blue streaks and strands of hair covering the porcelain face of an angel still sleeping, he knew that was the right choice. He always did. When TDWT ended, Duncan was sure Gwen was the right girl for him. That is why he had chosen her over Courtney.

**Brian: Oh great. It's a DUAL STORYLINE...**

**Courtney: I still hate you for going off with that stupid Goth girl!**

Gwen had anything a man would look in a woman. She was nice, sincere, authentic and incredibly beautiful.

**Stewie: And remember everyone, SHE'S A GOTH? How in any way is that beautiful?**

**Duncan: Watch what you say, kid...**

**Stewie: Hey...I'm a baby. You'll be commiting a little thing called child abuse...**

They both felt chemestry going between them, something he rarely felt with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, Courtney was one real nice girl but him and her together just didn'twork out. The prep was competitive, bitchy and curiously always really jealous when he was talking to Gwen.

**Courtney: I'm ready to sue this kid if he makes one more bad comment about me...**

At the start, Duncan found it a little cute and funny when she was overreacting just because he was flirting with the goth but that slowly changed into something more. More days were passing, more Courtney was getting annoying, and more Duncan was tempted to skip the 'friends' phase with Gwen. That wasn't close friendship anymore, it was attraction, or a crush in a more teenagerish way.

In the middle of TDWT, Duncan stopped trying to understand and broke up with the former C.I.T., saying it wasn't going to work out.

**Courtney:...Nnnoooo...I broke up with him. Doesn't this writer watch Total Drama?**

**Brian: Guess not.**

That broke her heart, even shattered it or worse burned it but they both knew it was best.

**Brian: Mind if I say it?**

**Courtney: Go ahead...**

**Brian: STOP SPEAKING OUT OF YOUR ASS!**

As far as he could remember, Courtney and he never really talked again since that. Every time he would see her, she would run in another side and start bawling. Even if she were his ex and honestly didn't give a damn about her life then, he had to admit that sort of broke his heart see her this way. But that was easily forgotten once Gwen was there.

Beside her, there was Trent who was still a little broken-hearted that Gwen just left him and now she was dating another guy. The nine obsesser wouldn't own it up but everyone could see in his eyes he was still damaged by this, hurt even. That was hard for the couple to live at a place where their ex's kept reminding how they broke their hearts. They then agreed on moving into an appartment far from them. Far from everything, welcoming a new life. It happened three years ago.

**Stewie: I'm starting to sense a strange pattern here...**

The punk rolled out of bed, managing to forget about those old memories. Doing his best not to wake his girlfriend up, he dressed up, putting on his usual faded jeans and red chucks. Tiptoeing out of the room, he walked out the room and toward the kitchen, looking for the thousandth time at the dark decoration covering the apartment walls. The kitchen close, he suddenly decided to first go to the first floor of the apartment building and get the mails,

**Brian: Mails? What are you, British?**

not as he would normally do. It was a little late in the morning so the mailman must have passed.

He took the elevator, waiting while the glassy doors were closing and the machine was moving down in a fast motion, a dizzy sensation escaping from this swift pace to invade his body. That quickly stopped when the small booth slowed on the ground floor, the first one you stepped on when you penetrate in the building. The mail boxes were near, just a few step and he was able to unlock his and snatch out a few enveloppes.

**Stewie: By this point, it looks like the writer had a seizure all over the keyboard...These spelling mistakes are getting horendous now.**

Bills, birthday party invitations from Gwen's cousins, useless catalogues... A few things he would normally find in that whole mess. Though he thought already know what was in, Duncan kept going through the enveloppes until his eyes stop as his body froze over one in particular. Golden italic letters carved in the soft white paper covering the important document in and a few doves twirled on top, the delinquent could recognize it was one of those stupid wedding invitations like he received when his older brother got married a year ago.

**Brian: Oh man, I can see where this is going...**

**Courtney: Why would...**

**Brian: Don't ruin it for the good readers, Courtney.**

Normally, he wouldn't even bother unfolding those kinds of shit but today, he felt like giving this a try. After all, though Gwen was a goth, she still had to admit she loved to go to weddings. Just another one wouldn't kill. He ripped open the white delicate paper and pulled out a perfectly folded cream white card, indeed containing the name of the husband and wife-to-be. Again, in front was written some cheesy lovesick quoted message saying "There is only one happiness in life; to love and to be loved".

**Brian: Not too much of a poetic type, eh Duncan?**

**Duncan: Nah. I'm more physical.**

Skipping this message, Duncan went straight to the point.

For a second, he felt his heart stop beating normally. He couldn't understand what he was seeing, he couldn't figure out how that could happen,

**Stewie: Oh god...HE JIZZED IN HIS PANTS!**

**Brian: STEWIE!**

**Stewie: Sorry, Riff Police.**

he couldn't even know why that mattered so much. Duncan blinked twice, just to be sure. He felt his body weakening though the card was still strong held between his fingers. His mind started to roam, looking for answers half of them he already knew. So many emotions were going through his mind; rage, confusion, bitterness, sadness, hurt, wonder...

**All: JUST GET TO THE POINT!**

**Brian: God, he's harping on like Stephanie Myer!**

The list was taking length. Like he didn't knew anymore how the world was going, what date we were, what his name was, who won TDI... All he could see was a few silver letters perfectly written on the thin cardboard.

"_You are cordially invited to attend the union of __**Trenton Adams **__and _**_Courtney Harrington_**."

**Stewie: Oh my god! JERRY! JERRY!**

**Brian: I'm wondering how many more chapters there are...**

**Courtney:...3 more.**

**Brian: Huh. I guess it won't be that unbearable.**

**Duncan: Yeah...Unless you don't read.**

**Brian: You know, it'd help if you TRIED to get out of Juvie...**

**Duncan: I have. All you need is a few digging tools. Works like a charm.**

**...**

**A/N:**

**READ, ENJOY, REVIEW!**


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